Long Term But Still Undone

I had a grand realization of my ex-love life a few minutes back. and I thought, why not share the 2 years I spent crazy head-over-heels with this guy. But this time, I'm writing, as my last sayonara to him and to a love unrequited despite all means.

As for my facebook announcement about him, I'm going to fondly call him #8.

I started liking #8, when I met him through my friend, his sister. We started chatting and I learned from there that he had this heart ailment making his heart beat slower than the regular pace. I decided that moment, "I wanted to take care of this guy my entire life."

So, the blossoming girl I was back then, I made efforts to talk to him on Sundays, send text messages, send emails. I always make it a point to make him laugh whenever I was with him. I wanted him to see my good points. (Of course, best foot forward every time). I desperately wanted him to notice me more than just a friend, more than a confidant, but someone he could share his life today and the days to come. Crazy no?

(I am a bit teary eyed by now). When he had this concert thing he was promoting, I was 10 steps ahead in promoting him in front of my bosses. I even bought one VIP seat for that one so he can have some more income (or freebies maybe. I can't remember if he told me he did get some). I spent money on this guy!!!

Then he would do stuff that most girls would find intriguing thus leading us to fall deeper into a trap we made out for ourselves. He did invite me personally to a meet and greet session with the band. Then one particular christmas, my girlfriends were secretly squealing with delight as #8 came over to me, took photographs together with him, just being as heavenly nice as he could be. My friend Rakel exactly said, "He's sending the wrong signals girl if that's the case."

And as usual, your crazy friend went overboard that same year by being the first to greet him on his birthday. I gave him expensive chocolate as a gift. I repeated that again during Christmas. After their performance in a prominent mall, I went up to him and gave him chocolates as my gift to him.

Worst part of this love story, he forgot all about my birthday. I was so ASAR (irked), that the memory of my birthday didn't come up to his memory until after a month after I celebrated it. KAKAINIS TALAGA! For weeks I didn't talk to him, I intentionally ignored him. I went from extremely hot to ludicrously cold towards him. I had to give him the cold shoulder for what he did. It may seem childish but it was a big deal for me. I was a BIG deal. And he forgot. What a friend he was!!!

So after my birthday event, he just said to me, "Oh, nagbirthday ka pala ng January?" AND NO GREETING kahit late? UUUGH! Sobra na talaga!! That's when I decided, "Stop it, Rachel!" This is going nowhere. Give him up and be happy."

I did that but I spent at least a year forgetting and burying the feelings that died the day I was born. I believe I am totally free....


UNTIL...

I posted this thing called "25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME" in Facebook. How dense could he be? How blinded was he? 3 clues and yet he still didn't get it. I even tagged him in that list...

So now, he is back, bugging me about who #8 is. He wants to know this Sunday.... But I can't tell him, not face to face if I still want him to be my friend. I don't want to risk him knowing and then ignore me all Sundays of my life with one stupid mistake of telling him.

Believe me, I really wanted to. I imagined a hundred different scenarios of how it would be if I told him. But the idea didn't rest well in my heart. So then I won't.

Far as I know, I just discovered the name of the girl that has been the object of his affections for the past 4 years. I was a bit jealous every time he would sit beside her. Or the fact that we were talking and this other girl would wave hello, and he'd immediately drop me as if there was a VIP who just came in. Darn!!! I should have noticed it before.

I wouldn't even touch the idea of him liking the girl because the girl was like 6 years older than him. But when he gave me several clues to work on, and I saw the name in one of my social utilities, TRUTH struck me hard between the eyes. It was there all along but I was blinded by my own selfish desire to have him for myself.

So I end this by saying, I wish him happiness. But far as I am concerned, I am done. I am finished. This chapter is closed. Case closed. No more #8 names coming out of my lips. I am just gracefully waiting for the right one my God has designed for me. THE ONE.