Dream Sequence

I woke up this morning to the sound of my wake up call... "I love you, baby! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!" But that exact same sound disrupted a wonderfully nice dream I was having.

In my dream, I had a visitor at home. It was Cito. With this guy, it is so comfortable to be with him everytime. I can tell him everything. We can talk about anything under the sun. I can tell him my frustrations, my career life, my family life, David Cook fantasies, anything. That's why it is such a comfort zone to be around him.

So he was waiting for me in the living room. He was sitting in one of the single seater couches that sat beside each other. When I got there, I sat beside him on the other couch. Talked a bit. I took his hand. I noticed his hand was a several shades redder than normal. So I asked him, "Why is your hand so red?" He just said, "Don't you like it? Do you want me to have Marvin remove it?" I was about to say no when I realized he was already out of the house, coming out of his car. Outside the window, I noticed that it was our house in Cavite, tall shrubs planted in front of the house, thus allowing me to see through them and notice Cito coming out from his car.

Then I saw Marvin running to the house's direction. When he was at the living room window, he pulled himself up one of the bars and enter the window like a folded gymnast, coming through the bars, butt first, toes last.

Then the alarm went off....

I was so annoyed...

I wanted to see the end of the dream... What was Cito doing in my house? I could hold his hand now, but as I held his hand in the dream, it felt different... it's as if we moved on to another phase... It felt so real.

It's no good to make assumptions out of a dream.

I promise to take everyday one step at a time, especially when it comes to love.

Cito is my best friend! He is blessed!

#8

Ironic... In most of my email addresses, usernames and even birthday, 8 has been an integral part of my online life... And now, I placed L in #8... How ironic can that be?

I just want to list down the things I liked about #8... So that when I look back and remember the days I was head over heels attracted to him, I can compare and thank God for giving me the best man as my spouse... Ready? Here we go... I like him because:

1. I liked him first for his honesty about his heart
2. He is funny.
3. He is sensible to talk to.
4. He is tall enough for my taste.
5. His color matches my preference.
6. HIs facial features may not be perfect but he definitely has something.
7. Charisma flows out from him naturally
8. He likes chocolates.
9. He is so shy.
10. He makes me smile a lot.


I wasn't able to go out with him or anything. But in his own words, #8 is blessed because he is loved. He truly was... until now... that I am firmly decided... No more turning back, I'm glad he made a move for his 4 year running crush. Now that I'm looking at the list, I realize I'm only infatuated.. not really ready to take this friendship into something else.

What if we came together? I don't know what will happen. I just hope he finds love at the end of his rope as I find mind at the end of mine...

Good bye #8! It was great knowing you...

Long Term But Still Undone

I had a grand realization of my ex-love life a few minutes back. and I thought, why not share the 2 years I spent crazy head-over-heels with this guy. But this time, I'm writing, as my last sayonara to him and to a love unrequited despite all means.

As for my facebook announcement about him, I'm going to fondly call him #8.

I started liking #8, when I met him through my friend, his sister. We started chatting and I learned from there that he had this heart ailment making his heart beat slower than the regular pace. I decided that moment, "I wanted to take care of this guy my entire life."

So, the blossoming girl I was back then, I made efforts to talk to him on Sundays, send text messages, send emails. I always make it a point to make him laugh whenever I was with him. I wanted him to see my good points. (Of course, best foot forward every time). I desperately wanted him to notice me more than just a friend, more than a confidant, but someone he could share his life today and the days to come. Crazy no?

(I am a bit teary eyed by now). When he had this concert thing he was promoting, I was 10 steps ahead in promoting him in front of my bosses. I even bought one VIP seat for that one so he can have some more income (or freebies maybe. I can't remember if he told me he did get some). I spent money on this guy!!!

Then he would do stuff that most girls would find intriguing thus leading us to fall deeper into a trap we made out for ourselves. He did invite me personally to a meet and greet session with the band. Then one particular christmas, my girlfriends were secretly squealing with delight as #8 came over to me, took photographs together with him, just being as heavenly nice as he could be. My friend Rakel exactly said, "He's sending the wrong signals girl if that's the case."

And as usual, your crazy friend went overboard that same year by being the first to greet him on his birthday. I gave him expensive chocolate as a gift. I repeated that again during Christmas. After their performance in a prominent mall, I went up to him and gave him chocolates as my gift to him.

Worst part of this love story, he forgot all about my birthday. I was so ASAR (irked), that the memory of my birthday didn't come up to his memory until after a month after I celebrated it. KAKAINIS TALAGA! For weeks I didn't talk to him, I intentionally ignored him. I went from extremely hot to ludicrously cold towards him. I had to give him the cold shoulder for what he did. It may seem childish but it was a big deal for me. I was a BIG deal. And he forgot. What a friend he was!!!

So after my birthday event, he just said to me, "Oh, nagbirthday ka pala ng January?" AND NO GREETING kahit late? UUUGH! Sobra na talaga!! That's when I decided, "Stop it, Rachel!" This is going nowhere. Give him up and be happy."

I did that but I spent at least a year forgetting and burying the feelings that died the day I was born. I believe I am totally free....


UNTIL...

I posted this thing called "25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME" in Facebook. How dense could he be? How blinded was he? 3 clues and yet he still didn't get it. I even tagged him in that list...

So now, he is back, bugging me about who #8 is. He wants to know this Sunday.... But I can't tell him, not face to face if I still want him to be my friend. I don't want to risk him knowing and then ignore me all Sundays of my life with one stupid mistake of telling him.

Believe me, I really wanted to. I imagined a hundred different scenarios of how it would be if I told him. But the idea didn't rest well in my heart. So then I won't.

Far as I know, I just discovered the name of the girl that has been the object of his affections for the past 4 years. I was a bit jealous every time he would sit beside her. Or the fact that we were talking and this other girl would wave hello, and he'd immediately drop me as if there was a VIP who just came in. Darn!!! I should have noticed it before.

I wouldn't even touch the idea of him liking the girl because the girl was like 6 years older than him. But when he gave me several clues to work on, and I saw the name in one of my social utilities, TRUTH struck me hard between the eyes. It was there all along but I was blinded by my own selfish desire to have him for myself.

So I end this by saying, I wish him happiness. But far as I am concerned, I am done. I am finished. This chapter is closed. Case closed. No more #8 names coming out of my lips. I am just gracefully waiting for the right one my God has designed for me. THE ONE.

Sweet Mocha Cake . . . A Tribute to Gaudencia

It was my Lola Gaudi's 8nth birthday yesterday (she's not tracking years and so will I).

Anyway, I was supposed to see her yesterday but my lazy body was stuck at home (resting and reading and sleeping).

So I did visit her earlier today. I bought her a mocha caramel cake from the pastry area of SM Bacoor. When we were sharing the cake, I knew I made the right decision. I gave her a big hug when I arrived and helped in manning her store.

My granny Gaudi is partially blind in one eye and is a bit deaf at her age. She used to wear a hearing aide but decided to discontinue using it. It's a nuisance, she says. But this afternoon was one of the best bonding days I had with her.

While we were enjoying our cake slices, I asked her, "How are you?" And knowing all grannies, they would take you all the way back their memories would take them. She started out by saying she would love to have another birthday like she had this year. But looking at the day-to-day journey she takes, she then said that it would be painful to go through another year. Her body isn't as young as it was. It gives her a different feel, a different ailment, a different confusing signal every day. I got a bit sad about this. She has been wanting to be with the Lord Jesus for the last 5 years she has been in living in Bacoor. But I know the Lord has a plan for it all.

Then she remembers her own grandmother, who lived a ripe, full life of 115. She loved her grandmother so much and vice versa. She's the favorite granddaughter as well. The grandmother vowed that she will not leave the earth until her great-granddaughter is born. She would just sit all day, in her corner, praying all the time.

Being the favorite grandchild, some of her grandmother's children became jealous of the attention showered to her. The children would take their mother to their own homes in her chair, but she would resist all the way. She would scream and shout, indignant to be returned to her grandchild. (The grandma was living with my Lola Gaudi back then). So when she found out her lola was gone, she would run out and look for her. Of course, all the neighbors has heard the ruckus. They would point the way where Lola was brought. How powerful jealousy could be!

Then she jumped on, remembering the day she was about to give birth to her eldest daughter. She was brought to the hospital in the morning and gave birth to my Mommy Ana (this is my aunt's pet name in the family) Unbeknownst to her, the moment she delivered the baby was the exact same moment her grandmother gave her last breath.

Many came and visited the hospital. The first question she asked of them was, "How is my Lola?" And they would lie saying, "She still the same as you left her." Nightfall came, Gaudi was insisted that she be brought back home. She told the nurse. She told the doctor. But they replied saying they had no means of bringing her back that night. She had to wait till morning.

Morning came and she bugged the hospital staff with her urgency to go home. She was free to go, they said and she travelled home using the hospital vehicle. She got off the vehicle, and the rain was pouring hard. She scurried home knowing that the urgency she felt needs to be obeyed.

The moment she arrived, still drenched from the rain, she saw the coffin where her lola lay. She ran, she screamed, she hugged the coffin tight and cried for the loss of her loved one. People were trying to wrench her away from the coffin but she would stick to the coffin as if she were part of it. Then came her husband.

The husband was a bit cruel. He hit her so hard that she fell unconscious. When she woke up, she was in their home in Quiapo, a very long way from the wake of her grandmother. She says it was a miracle she lived through it without "Binat".

I wrote this as a tribute to her. I have only known my lola for, let's say, 21 years out of my 25. But she has lived for almost a century now. I don't know who her favorite apo is. She definitely has great-grand-children now. All I know is that I love her. I honor the fact that she is in my family tree, her blood in my veins. I cannot deny the fact that as I am writing, I am overwhelmed with great emotion.

Dying is where we all go. We will have to face it one way or another. But before that day comes, may the Lord permit that I may be able to spend a bit more time with her, listen to her stories, and chronicle them in my heart.

Her legacy is my life.

BOB ONG on VALENTINE'S DAY

Para sa lahat ng Pinoy!!!

Enjoy reading and share to your friends! (Ang mga sumusunod ay hindi maaaring i-translate. Mawawalan ng saysay ang mga katotohanang hatid ni Bob Ong) The following may not be translated. The truths Bob Ong has given us will be of no avail.


1. “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya…”

2. “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”

3. “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”

4. “Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.” (Totoo naman... Paano mo nga naman bibitbitin yon?)

5. “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.” (Meron naman talagang hagdan... Huwag maging tamad!)

6. “Kung maghihintay ka lang nang lalandi sayo, walang magyayari sa buhay mo… dapat lumandi ka din.” astig

7. “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”

8. “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”

9. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka… kaya quits lang.”

10. “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman mgmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”

11. “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.”

12. “Huwag magmadali sa lalaki o babae. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang sa maganda o nakakalibog ito (excuse the term). Totoong mas maganda ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”

13. “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa ring maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”

14. “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ang yung bida sa script na pinili nya.”

15. “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap muli ang taong tinalikuran mo.”
(How sweet naman!)

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa sa isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan.”

18. “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong hindi dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organ mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay. Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!.”

19. “Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal… nakakatakot mahulog… at pag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka…”

Transitions

A friend of mine resigned from one of his previous jobs. I asked for his reason. "It's not my season anymore," he says.

There are some things that has been in a corner of my mind since the beginning of the year:

Number 1: WORK (is my season really coming to an end? If yes, where is my next assignment?)

Number 2: MY SPOUSE (I truly know that this is my year, no doubt about it!)

Number 3: MINISTRY

The reason I said number 2 is that when my friend resigned and he moved on to a different location, he found his wife-to-be. (I can say that he is so led and so keen to God's seasons. He found the one!) Am I to talk the same direction? Still, I don't want to miss out on God's best for me... Where is that guy?! (I promised God I'd be more patient on this one! *lol*)

Talking about ministry, I really don't get it why people can't seem to learn from the old stuff they went through before. (Some people will get this, some people won't). What I'm trying to say is that one group suddenly took over a small group February of last year. But it didn't work out well. People were already noticing that the "atmosphere" wasn't the same with this invasion. So finally, they gave it back. My team worked hard together, even if there were just a handful of us every Wednesday night. But the "atmosphere" returned to normal, or was even better this time I believe.

Then January of this year, it's not an another invasion, they called it a merge. So okay. I am a humble servant following my leaders. I do what I am told and I never ask questions. We went throuh a crazy week # 1 of merging... I notice loopholes in the first meeting. As the eyes and ears of the previous group, I brought them to the attention of my supervisor. He basically told me in my own rendition, "Stop talking to me about these things. Go to the new leader. He will deal with it."

My mind goes "WHAT?!" Wasn't it even enough for me to cry my eyes out for this group? Not to enlarge my part in all of this, but aren't we good enough to support this group? Another lingering notion in my head was, "Why is it that we are not kept in the loop for this MERGE?" Everybody was just too one sided about this. Not asking about our opinions, details on what works for the team. It's NOW always about who the better talent than all the rest. If your talent does not reach their "TALENTADO" meter, your opinion doesn't count!!! Your talent DOES NOT COUNT!!! So for everybody who was doing one thing before is doing absolutely nothing now. BECAUSE THEY AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH AND THE LEADERS ARE NOT TAPPING THEIR OTHER SKILLS TO HELP INCREASE THE MINISTRY.

Are these people blind? Are these people deaf? Are these people more that human beings that they can do everything themselves? *sigh*

What can I do? I am just a mere volunteer. MY OPINION DOESN'T COUNT.

I haven't been attending the meetings for the past 2 weeks now. I don't want to be USED, thankless after your services. Far as I know, they may even be talking about me behind my back. But I don't care. Let them talk their brains out if they even have one.

I once asked that supervisor,"Why is it that this group always makes me cry?" My heart hurts to embrace the team that has now been scattered all over.

I know that they will notice. They will notice, I promise you, the thinning of the attendance of the group they merged. For no apparent reason, other things have suddenly become more important than the merge, the transition that isn't really a transition, but an INVASION.





































Kinda random, isn't it. Life is so random. But only our God knows that this thing we call random is actually part of His bigger plan and purpose for our lives. (Forgive this blabbering lady. The guts need to be spilled.)

* * * valentine's day * * *

a nice little greeting to all my dearest friends...



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